crap... so I haven't mentioned this before.... like, anywhere. Maybe I've been in denial.

I think I might be headed towards an eating disorder.

I don't know... maybe I'm just freaking out. Maybe this is completely normal. I really don't know, but I do know that rationally, this isn't good... but I don't want to stop.

So I'm 5 foot 8 or so... maybe 5 foot 7.5... and I prob weigh around 130. Perfectly normal, and I know that its on the thin side.... but I want to lose weight. For a while now I've been obsessing over calories, and lately its gotten worse. For a week straight I've kept track of calorie intake on a pad of paper. I don't want to let myself get about 1200 calories a day, though I sometimes go over, but then I'm upset with myself. I haven't gone a day in the past 4 weeks without thinking about how many calories I'm eating a day and mentalling adding it up. I kind of fight this urge, trying to have pizza or something, and then I wish I hadn't. It's like some sort of bipolar eating disorder, if it is one.

Am I overreacting?

I mean... 1200 calories a day isn't all that unreasonable for a diet. My main concern is that I rationally know that I shouldnt have to lose weight at 130 pounds. Still... In my side profile I feel like there is pudge in my stomach. I want to see more colar bone. I want more cheek bone. But there are days when I feel like I pig out (or maybe not... I prob don't go above 1800 but I feel like its pigging out). It's like I have an ED without the 'committment.' It's like I have the mindset of an anorexic but I can't take the hunger.

Do people with an ED worry that they have it? Is the fact that I do a sign that it isn't an ED?

I don't know how much I want to lose. For all I know, I might be able to fully believe that I don't need to lose more weight around 120 or something. But what if I don't? Honestly, I don't really worry about it. Like, I'm not freaking out about my need to lose weight... but I recognize that it isn't healthy. I'm a potential biology major--I know what this sort of thing can do to me. I KNOW that it is bad to limit food, but I want to, anyway. I'm not worried about the side effects. I just feel like I should lose weight. I know this should probably worry the average person.

Or should it? Again, am I putting this out of proportion? Is this some normal phase? Can I just accept my body, already? It would be so much easier if I didn't feel a need to be hungry some of the day. I'd like to be able to eat and not worry about how much I eat.

But I do.

Current Mood: confused

Why the hell do I do this to myself? Ugh. I really want someone to realize that I'm miserable and get me to do something about it, because I can't do it on my own. I need something to happen to me. Something radical. I need to change. I don't know how long I can hold on like this, because nothing really seems worth it anymore. Seriously, what is the point in anything if you are going to end up alone and depressed. I really don't think I have anything good coming for me. A good job, maybe... but nothing that will make me feel happy.

But its too hard to try to change. I can't keep it up, and any attempt fails. I can't fix myself. I need something to change who I am.

I can't get myself to ask for help, because then I feel like people will think I am trying to draw attention to myself. I think I need the attention, true, but its.... I don't know. I don't even know anymore. I just wish someone could see whats going on without me having to flat out tell people. I want that proof that someone cares. I want someone to see that I'm tired and that I don't smile much and figure that that means that I'm struggling. I want someone to randomly search my name or screennames on google and find this journal and realize that this isn't right.

But if I was confronted, I know I'd deny anything was wrong. It's that instinctive bullshit I always do that prevents me from letting people know me or whats going on with me. But I want someone to push past that--past the point where I can deny anything and to the point where I have to admit that I hate the life I'm living. I do. I really do. I just want to be something else.

I want to be happy.

Current Mood: distressed

So... it's really late and I can't sleep because I can't get my mind to calm down. For the most part, those thoughts either are like the ones I wrote in my previous entry or ones that I don't have the energy to write out at the moment, so I won't write those... I'm just going to write and hope that that will help somehow. I don't know if it'll work, but I'm willing to try.

Today, though technically yesterday, was my first day of the semester. I am feeling pretty good about it. My first class is at 8 am... which is freakishly early for me as a college student... but at a plus side on every day other than Friday I finish at 1:10 pm... which is incredible. The classes should be fine, I think, especially since they are more along my interests than last semester, which was filled with classes I wanted to get out of the way or ones that I just had to take because I was in a Freshman Interest Group.

Last semester, with classes starting at 12:20 or 11:15 and lasting until around the time that high school would get out, I would get distracted by everyone else since my high school friends would be out and on AIM and my friends on the floor would be back... but if I finish by 1:10 then I'll have time to get some homework done without distraction or without feeling like I'm missing out. I hope it works out well, because I tend to be overly optimistic at the start... I might be totally miserable about the 8 am classes eventually and be too tired to work when I get back for all I know. I just want to think that this semester will be easier for me mentally/psychologically/whatever.

Okay, I can't not write it again. I'm going to live and die alone. It's inevitable. I'm just not meant to be in a relationship. I'd like to see a guy actually attract me without scaring me or who persists through the stage when I get scared and push him away. I don't think it's possible. I'll be that 40 year old unmarried woman who just has no life outside of work. I'll never have a family. I'll just be alone. God damn it. I don't want this. Why can't I do what is supposed to be completely natural? Wait, I already know... I'm not meant to be in love... ever. There is something wrong with me.

Okay, so typing that out didn't really make me feel better... but I'm going to try to sleep again, anyway.

Current Mood: tired

Ugh, so I really make it easy to hate myself sometimes. Really, I do.

I had a first date with this guy yesterday. I felt nothing. Do you want to know why? Because I liked the idea of him more than I actually liked him. He's smart and conventionally good looking... and respectful. Maybe too respectful. All he did was talk. He wasn't at all flirty, and it's hard for me to like someone who doesn't seem to be into me.

I always do this. I always go after a guy I can't like. It's happened so many times that I wonder if I'm even capable of being in a relationship with anyone. I'm too guarded. Even if I were to have gone for someone I could like, I would have pushed him away, I bet, since I've done that so many times in the past. I really just don't think that I'm meant for the social world or to fall in love or marry or be happy. It just doesn't work, and this is the only explanation. What's the point of trying? Because it makes me unhappy. But then I try and I fail. I always fail. I can't do it. I just can't, and there is clearly something wrong with me.

I may have my social anxiety disorder under control for the most part, but clearly it affected me more deeply than can be fixed by talking or with medication. I've been on many first dates. Each time either its a kind of guy that I can't be attracted to and that I knew on some level that I could never like him, or else I don't let myself get attatched and I just push him away and isolate myself.

I hate this. I really do.

Current Mood: restlessly bored